Shouldn't Have Hoped
by SilverSpiritWolf
Summary: Takes place after 05x11. Gail knew she never should have hoped, knew she should have never thought she could have happiness.


The rain beat down steadily, pounding on the windows with its rhythmic pitter patter. Gail laughed darkly to herself, amused that Mother Nature seemed to match her mood perfectly. She was happy she was alone tonight; she didn't need anyone else around to see her darkened mood, or to make it worse.

She couldn't believe she had started to have hope, couldn't believe she had even allowed herself the thought that she could be happy. Why wasn't she allowed to be happy? Why was it happiness was something that was always just out of her grasp?

She had been so close, so very VERY close to having the happiness, the life that she had wanted, that she thought she had finally earned for herself. Had her years of crass attitude finally caught up with her? Had she been too rude and too cold to others for so long that she had forfeit any hope at warmth and happiness? At love?

She stumbled almost blindly through the darkened apartment, tripping over something that was no doubt Dov's, nearly spilling her drink. She cursed her roommate and roughly kicked the object away, it was soft whatever it was, probably a shirt or something. She shuddered to herself praying it wasn't his underwear.

She continued to make her way around the empty apartment, this time tripping over her own feet as she downed the last bit of the beer she had. Looked like it was time to make her way back to the kitchen for another one.

She hiccupped to herself as she pulled open the fridge door, squinting when the bright light inside hit her eyes. She blindly fished around inside searching for another drink, not wanting to allow her eyes time to adjust to the light. Hmm looks like there were only two more beer left, guess she would be helping herself to the harder liquor in freezer sooner then she thought.

Her thoughts were starting to creep back up on her as she opened her new bottle. Thoughts she didn't want to deal with at the present time and had decided that getting black out drunk was by far the better way to go.

She wanted nothing more to curl into a ball and cry as the thoughts and emotions continued to pound away at her mind, unable to be chased away by the haziness the booze provided. Why was it she was not allowed to have any happiness?

Things had been going so well for her recently. She had gotten the ball rolling so she could try and adopt Sophie and it was going so well and so smoothly. Holly had pulled her into an observation room and after being attacked by Holly's lips the brunette confessed how much she missed the blonde, how she wasn't over her.

As sappy and corny as it sounds Gail's heart filled with so much love and so much hope in that moment. She could have it, she was sure of it, that ever elusive happiness. It was right there, right in front of her face, almost within her grasp and then…

Then everything started going wrong. Holly had told her she had been offered a job in San Francisco and had accepted. Holly had wanted Gail to go with her, but how could she do that when she had Sophie to think about? When she had already gotten the ball rolling to start the adoption?

That was two weeks ago, and things for Gail continued to go downhill from there. They had found one of Sophie's aunts who had seemed interesting in taking Sophie in. That wasn't set in stone either, but it looked extremely likely that Gail would NOT be able to adopt the young girl.

So now Gail was left with nothing, nothing but broken dreams and crushed hope.

She scoffed at herself again for ever believing she had a chance to have it, a life. A woman who cared deeply for her, saw her faults, her flaws and her tough attitude and brushed it all aside to see the kind and caring woman underneath, the woman who had a heart, that loved and cared and cried. The woman that no one else but Holly had ever seen. No one, not Chris, not Nick, no one but Holly.

Even when Holly told her about her job offer and that she was leaving, she still clung to the hope that she could have a life, she could have a family and be a mother to this beautiful little girl. A little girl that was still so strong and so full of life even in the darkness, even after her mother's death, she was strong.

It was gone now. Every chance she had, every hope, every dream, gone.

Gail risked a sideways glance over to the clock on the wall. She could barely make out the time in the darkness of the empty apartment. Holly's plane left about 40 minutes ago.

Quickly Gail chugged down the beer she had just opened in a vain attempt to keep her emotions down, to keep from crying because it was all gone now. Time for another drink.

An urgent knocking reached her ears from the front door. Seriously someone was going to invade her dark and moody brooding. Why couldn't she just been left alone to wallow in her loneliness?

"What?" Gail barked roughly as she threw open the front door. Her face dropped instantly at the person who was currently standing in front of her. Holly.

Holly was utterly soaked from head to toe, giving Gail a brief mental flashback of a recent shower experience. Holly's dark chocolate hair was plastered to her forehead and down around her neck and shoulders, her clothes heavy with rain water. It looked as if she had been crying, but Gail couldn't be sure if it was tears or simply the rain.

"Holly?" Gail questioned, her eyes taking in the shivering woman in front of her.

"I couldn't do it." Holly said suddenly. "I couldn't do it, I couldn't get on the plane, I can't leave you." She stepped forward, hand reaching out to touch Gail's face but stopped just shy of it. "I need you Gail, in any and every way possible. I need you in my life every day. I couldn't leave you Gail…I love you."

Gail stood and started at the drenched woman. She was seeing things that was it, she had consumed more alcohol then she had realized and her mind was now playing tricks on her, forcing her to have hope again.

"Gail, please say some-" Holly's words were cut off as Gail suddenly lunged forward, claiming the brunettes lips with her own.

She could feel the cold rain as it beat down on her, but she didn't care, couldn't possibly care when Holly was here. She hadn't left; she hadn't gone to San Francisco.

Gail wasted no time pulling Holly as close as possible. Her hands where in Holly's soaked chocolate locks, tilting her mouth to that oh so perfect angle. Gail's tongue was hot and probing, demanding access to the other woman's mouth, which Holly provided on a sigh.

Gail dominated the kiss, taking everything she wanted, leaving the other woman breathless and weak at the knees.

"I love you too." Gail nearly cried as she briefly tore her mouth away. "So fucking much."

Gail found herself being pushed backwards, and she fought it. She wasn't going to let Holly take the control from her on this one.

It took her longer then she would ever admit to realize that Holly was not after control of the kiss, but was simply attempting to guide the blonde back into the apartment and out of the rain.

Gail nodded her understanding into the kiss, and without breaking it walked them both inside, kicking the door shut.

"Stay." Gail whispered. "Stay with me tonight."

"Absolutely nowhere else I would rather be." Holly said with a bright smile.

**A/N: Ok so I am currently marking this one as done, just a little something that popped into my head. I will continue with it if enough people think it should be continued. Also to those who are reading my other fic D15, I promise to have a new chapter up as soon as I can, I just had a really bad week. I haven't given up on it I swear. Thanks for reading and I would love it if you reviewed. Thanks.**


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